Cardinal Sin (Part 2)

I’ll never forget my world history teacher getting into an argument with our class. She was adamant that it did not matter whether you look a regular level class or an honors level class, only that you learned something and maybe even fell in love with the subject. It was clear to us that she was on another planet. We were bolstering our resumes and trying to figure out which club memberships would give us the best shot at getting into a top university and finding a decent job. The little ‘H’ next to the course name on our transcripts mattered immensely to admissions officers, so it in turn mattered to us. The saddest part, aside from the fact that she was right and we wouldn’t listen, was that my little high school class had really only pulled away one small layer of the onion. We didn’t really have a clue about the importance of having a strong network or parents who could find us the perfect summer internship. In fact, many of my classmates had probably already lost the race against kids who had been building resumes, skills and talents since their first kindergarten interview.

I think the scariest part about power and inequality in society is that you often don’t know where you stand and what advantages other people have over you or the advantages you have over others. When they are clear, societies and individuals can make better decisions. If you discover you’re paid less than a co-worker, you can negotiate for more. If your child is attending a low-quality school, you can move into a better district or find a tutor (assuming you can afford it). If you see children and families struggling, you develop or support helpful policies.

Of course, one can always go back and look at people who have made it ahead in the world despite not having a solid family or diploma from a top school but those people are few and far in between. We get excited about them and tout them not because everyone can be like them but because they are unusual – that rare combination of guts, drive and luck. Be honest, have you ever read a biography of Steve Jobs were it didn’t mention that he was a college drop out? There seems to be some sort of shock at his success mixed with envy. What I don’t understand is why there isn’t an opposite side. Why don’t we have compassion and understanding for the vast majority of people who we know deep down will never make it out of their situation? There seems to be something almost hypocritical about being surprised when people make it out of a tough situation and similarly shocked when they do not. I understand the deep discomfort with the idea that occasionally someone might need a hand out before they can take a hand up. What if they decide not to get up and your investment is lost? Why should one give and give and give when you have your own dreams, aspirations and goals? I agree that there are some fair points from this angle too and it is important to think through the right way to help other individuals.

In my opinion, I believe there can be a balance and that it doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game. Helping others, bringing them into the general narrative and sharing power – on both the micro and macro levels – can lead to benefits for the greater good. Madam C.J. Walker was lucky and resourceful, but what if she hadn’t been subject to segregation? Would we have ten times as many female entrepreneurs and CEOs today? Would countries around the world be arguing over whether to have boardroom quotas for females? What if we taught children in science class about Marie Curie or Rosalind Franklin the same way we teach them about Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton? Would we be struggling to get more girls into science and engineering careers the way we are now? What if we looked at war torn countries and thought about the people there as human beings similar to us? Would we rethink how we provide foreign aid to ensure that it actually went into the right hands? How can we turn all of these ‘what if’ statements into ‘what now’ statements? What can we do now to shift power in a way that benefits all of us in the end?

Sometimes you make it for yourself and unfortunately, in some cases, other people decide your fate for you. Maybe, more than anything else, power is really just an attitude mixed with the right resources – people, money, training, preparation and a sprinkle of luck – at the right time. It is about believing that you can escape a riot, that you can overturn a dictator or that you can become the first female CEO of the company. Getting to that point is a process. It does not happen overnight. The question is – if you have these beliefs, will there be a government, a scholarship programme, parent, mentor, teacher or loved one there to help make a cardinal appear?

Cardinal Sin (Part 1)

Winter snow blankets a quiet leafy suburb in a fashionable but not upscale North Carolina neighbourhood. The morning is clean and crisp. It must have been a weekend because in an area filled with hopeful young professional couples and their oversubscribed children, the snow blanketing our cul-de-sac was still white. I am staring at my mother and my younger sister, who was maybe 3 years old at the time. My mother is pointing out a bright red bird, a cardinal, sitting on a tree branch. Many years later, my sister told me that as a young child, she believed that the mere act of my mother pointing was what had made the bird appear. In her mind, our mom had somehow wielded her power to make that moment in time occur for her benefit. Of course, like most other kids, we eventually learned that our mom (and pretty much most other women) actually had very little power over anything – much less over the appearance of a cardinal on a cold winter morning.  Yet at that moment, even the belief that that someone had used their power to share this kind gesture was enough for her.

Power is a peculiar thing. For some, having it is as easy as being born, while for others, it is like trying to find rocking horse poop – non-existent. Others seem to find their way through the jungle of life and come out on top. Part of the problem with inequality and power is that society tends to focus on those who found a way to become powerful and successful but completely ignore the path these individuals used to climb their way up. If I told you about a young man who received a scholarship to a posh high school attended by all of the top leaders in his region and then went on to Columbia and Harvard Law, you would not be shocked that he became president. Barack Obama has an exciting story but it is not surprising. Yet somehow, when this story is told, the emphasis is on life with a single mom and an absent father. There seems to be a notion that if one person can do it, anyone can do it. In my opinion, the ‘up by your bootstraps’ culture can be important for weeding out true slackers, however, it doesn’t show enough gratitude or acknowledgement for the support systems that are in effect the ‘bootstraps’. I just read an article about a former fashion boss who touted the fact that ‘…everything I have today was what I earned. I inherited nothing. Zero.’ Yet just before this quote, she mentioned that her father had given her a £150,000 loan (likely interest free) to help start her venture. It was as if the mere fact that her father was alive when she received the money meant that it really wasn’t a big deal. Would she have gotten to where she was without that loan? We will never know. I am not saying that it is bad to loan money to a family member. It is important to help family. What I don’t understand is the attitude that one has achieved something without any help when that is not true. Whether you get ahead due to £150,000 in the form of a scholarship or parental support, it seems like an important step for individuals and societies to acknowledge the reality that many successful individuals got a hand out and a hand up from where they started.

Probably the most important thing about being in power is that you are allowed to tell yourself a narrative about those who are not in power. While the victor doesn’t always get to write the history books these days, there is something to be said about narratives that aren’t shared more broadly. On some level, being able to blame individuals, communities and even whole countries for their own failings allows us to ignore our own. There is no need to broaden the safety net when people bring poverty on themselves. There is no need to teach young women about Ada Lovelace or Madam C.J. Walker if women really don’t have what it takes to succeed in business. What is the point of intervening in an international conflict if ‘those people’ from that ‘basket case of a country’ really just can’t seem to pull themselves together? So what if we provided aid to their heartless dictator or gave loans they could never repay?

It is easy to turn your back when you have never known what it is like to feel as if you’re at the end of your rope and have nowhere to turn. There have been very few occasions in my life where I have felt completely and utterly powerless. One experience really stands out.

On August 1, 2005, I was in Sudan doing graduate school research. That morning, I woke up in my small concrete studio apartment, pulled myself out from under my mosquito net and looked out the window. It was another day of dust filling the apartment, goats wandering through the streets and temperatures hotter than hell in the summer. After breakfast, I began my daily walk to the university. The path took me past droves of shopkeepers hawking everything from pieces of recently slaughtered meat to the fancy taubs worn by local women. As I paced my way along the path, all of the traffic screeched to a halt and the cars began to turn around. I knew that something was wrong and my gait quickened in response. Upon entering the university gates, I ran into a professor who informed me that John Garang, the Vice President in the unity government, had died in a mysterious plane crash.

Everyone braced for the worst. Imagine a campus with hundreds of scared university students. One could hear the madness occurring just over the walls of the campus. Shots were fired, billows of smoke rose from burning cars and screaming chants melded together in chaos. At one point, a demonstration passed the main entrance, which further agitated the students. I am not sure what caused the commotion, but the sight of everyone screaming and running made my blood run cold. As I turned to run, I started to cry. It was scary and I am a slow runner. I called my father back in the States to let him know what was happening. He told me that he didn’t see anything about it on the news, so it probably wasn’t really a big deal. I later learned that Hurricane Katrina was going into full effect at the same time, which for most people was probably more newsworthy than yet another conflict in yet another African country.

Thankfully, the violence subsided within a few days. I watched the drama unfold while perched on my professor’s couch – the location to which I had moved when my own neighbourhood was no longer safe. I felt guilty and grateful. I was also concerned and saddened. For a few months, I had a taste of what many individuals around the world face – insecurity and poverty enhanced by apathy from the rest of the world. It was a feeling of complete powerlessness. If everyone had to run crying through a riot, or experience a life of insecurity, attitudes might change. I know it changed mine.

Newtown…same old story

When I heard about the Newtown shooting, I was in shock. Who could do something like this? Sadly though, it is no longer a surprise. Shocking?  Yes. Surprising? No. We’ve barely gotten over one shooting when the next one takes place. We grieve, we get upset but nothing really changes. The story stays the same – we feel sad, one side says ‘no guns’, the other side says ‘everyone should have been armed for protection’, accusations of politicizing fly around and nothing changes.

If there was ever a time to sit down and think hard about how we can do a better job of protecting people from gun violence, it should be now. Americans already agree on many things when it comes to gun control and we need to pressure our legislators to enact common sense gun and mental health laws that do not demonize hunters or skeet shooters but can help protect our kids. Here is some data from a recent poll:

–          94% approve of background check for guns purchases

–          55% would like to limit gun purchases

–          61% would like to ban the sale of semi-automatics

This holiday season, let’s all take a moment to consider what has been lost, not just in this shooting but in all of them.

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Was the election a proxy mommy war?

Women helped Obama during the last election and we all know it. The race was looking tight to everyone (except maybe Nate Silver) but in the end, women helped Barack Obama become a two-term president. The Republican ‘war on women’, binders of women and the Akin/Mourdock affairs surely hurt Romney but in my opinion there was something lurking in the background – the mommy wars.

While the first lady does not run for office, people look to her for inspiration and some insight into the President. They also look to see what kind of advice she will give her husband. I knew Ann Romney would have a tough time the second I heard her discuss their ‘poor days’ when they had to ‘eat tuna fish and pasta’. I am sure that was a bit annoying to women throughout the USA who come home after a long day of supporting their families and make them tuna mac. Do they feel poor? Probably not. They have jobs and lives. Tuna and pasta as a sign of poverty? Please! It just served to show how disconnected Ann was from the rest of us.

On the other side, there was Michelle Obama. She is a hard working woman with a career and family.  She is a woman who typifies the ‘New Type A’. Michelle has been the main breadwinner and probably knows what it is like to rush home and make tuna not because you are poor but because you don’t have a private chef or the time to make much else. According to Gallup polling, 63% of women with children under the age of 18 are working.

At the end of the day, even if a woman felt like liberals don’t respect stay-at-home moms, I think Mitt Romeny’s comments about the 47% was off putting to many of them. Maybe Mitt and Ann forgot that 37% of stay-at-home moms report a household income of under $30,000. Conservatives in the USA have been thinking long and hard about what they should do to respond to the changing racial demographics in the country. They would do well to accept that this is not 1950 and look at the changing demographics of women as well.

Website updates coming

Hey there readers! I won’t be posting in the next couple of weeks as I work on updating my site. Check back soon for more great social and economic policy features.

Are the ‘slashies’ our biggest economic opportunity?

Would you guess that she is a lawyer by day and a baker at night?

No, don’t worry. The slashies I refer to are not some face cutting drones found in a horror film. The slashies I want to discuss are our newest class of worker i.e. the DJ/artist or the accountant/film producer or the barista/computer programmer. I recently read an article about my generation and our difficulty finding and keeping regular jobs or jobs that we like. This has led to the need to have more than one gig going in order to meet our financial needs.

In my opinion, even though the job market is terrible, there is a silver lining to all of this. First, this generation is getting a chance to step out and do the things they want to do. I’ll never forget my dad sending me an email on my 27^th birthday reminding me that he and my mother already had a kid (me) when they were my age. Wow, I thought, it is like we are living on different planet. They spent their late 20’s and early 30’s changing diapers and trying to figure out where the best school districts were. My husband and I won’t even get a pet. We’re too busy working, blogging, going to art shows and figuring out where we want to travel to next. I feel like I can go settle down one day with no regrets. People in this generation are finding ways to do what they love.

Second, and most importantly for our economy, we have the option of developing a new generation that can innovate, that has competencies in a variety of sectors rather than just one or two. I was recently eating in a Pho (Vietnamese) restaurant, which had a great soundtrack playing. When I told the waitress about how much I liked the mix, she explained to me that one of her co-workers had made if for the restaurant. We’re seeing things like this on a larger scale in successful companies – chefs working with biologists and fashion designers working with car companies.

The real question now is how to we take those opportunities and develop them into something that allows for growth, innovation and prosperity for more people and our economy?

Are kids and family the real problem?

What if grandma gets sick?

During the recent brouhaha over the whether or not women can ‘have it all’, one issue kept creeping into the foreground. Many of the essays, responses and counter responses seemed to come with a caveat that went something like this – “I want to make it clear that I realize how privileged I am and my problems don’t apply to most low-income/minority women”. The comments sections were no better; with lower income women often expressing annoyance at upper income women who, with so many resources, still couldn’t have everything they wanted – mainly around the issues of family care.

Personally, the debate seems ridiculous because there are so many things that women (and men) of all races and economic classes could do to improve our situation and ensure that more people have a shot at ‘having it all’ or at least ‘having a bit more’. In my opinion, kids and family are not the problem.However, policies around family issues are not helpful. Here are a few of my thoughts on where we could start.

1)      Schools that support working families – I read this very interesting article about a school here in the UK that caters to parents who work outside of the home full-time. The school is year-round (take your kids out for a vacation when it is best for the family, not the school system) and provides kids with fun field trips and experiences. It allows kids to remain in one safe location all-day instead of having parents (especially single parents) pick them up and drop them off at different locations throughout the day.

2)      Social security and retirement programmes that actually help families – Should your kids have to work 2 jobs to support you in old age because you never had a decent paying job or worked part time? I hear a lot about fears over childcare but everyone seems to forget that your lack of retirement savings could help your kids join the next iteration of the “sandwich generation”.

3)      Change the language we use around family care – Let’s stop calling it maternity leave and paternity leave. Nowadays, the focus shouls be on ‘family leave’. Staying at home to take care of your infant should be every parent’s responsibility – and our language needs to catch up. We need to support and create networks for people with all family issues. I don’t have kids but years ago when my mom was ill, I left work to care for her.  Thankfully, I was not on my own and my boss understood the situation. Let’s move away from focusing on only caring for young children and look at these situations more holistically.

4)      Share more information about the rights we have now and push for the ones we need – We all need information about the programmes and policies that could allow us to make better choices and decisions for our families but sometimes it can be scary to ask for what we are due, especially in an economy like this one. However, if no one asks for benefits, employers may assume that no one cares. There are a lot of resources out there concerning breastfeeding, adoption and family illness. Also, make it a point not to work for companies who give employees a hard time over these issues. You can check sites like glassdoor.com or discussion forums for more information.

You can have it all, just don’t do it all

You too can live with less stress…

We’re living in a new dawn. Pregnant CEOs, female presidents and not one Olympic team without a woman. These are all steps in the right direction. At the same time, it has also brought out a lot of anxiety among women who don’t make it to these great heights. Those of us who have read Ann-Marie Slaughter’s piece in the Atlantic Monthly about not being able to ‘have it all’ are well aware of the problems facing career women today. But how is it that some women can take opportunities and run with them while other women don’t seem to be able to make it happen? I believe a key problem is that perfectionism has become the scourge of women today. Along with over-commitment and micro-managing, it might be our generation’s crack cocaine. We’ve got to stop being too lazy and fussy to delegate. Here are a few ideas:

• Stop going to the grocery store – I used to wake up at 7 am on the weekend just to get to Safeway before it got too crowded. Now, my husband and I look through magazines and order the ingredients online at 7 am while drinking tea. For the rest of our meals, I use a great site called Hello Fresh. It delivers in-season ingredients to make three gourmet meals each week. Best of all, everything is delivered to my house. The items from the grocery store are delivered for less than £4. My husband was nervous about this option at first – what if we received poor quality food or the wrong items? In the end, the service was amazing, we avoided food impulse buys and saved a ton of time. You can also save gas and prevent public meltdowns with the kiddies. If your local store doesn’t do delivery, call the manager or stop by their office on the next visit to tell them you would like to participate in a pilot.  Great websites: Hello Fresh (discount voucher code:PGhOqh), Safeway, Whole Foods

• Automate your bills – I don’t think this even needs an explanation…

• Delegate everything you can – There are loads of resources to help you. Rather than spending hours shopping for clothes, I work with a personal shopper. Why? It’s free, saves time and prevents me from making random purchases. Also, if it is good enough for Christine Lagarde, it is good enough for me. In another example, when I was stressed out planning my international move, wedding and working full-time. I called AskSunday and they did everything from sending flowers to cancelling my car insurance once I sold my car. Some credit cards also offer concierge service. Great websites: Taskrabbit, Loehmanns personal shoppers, Ask Sunday.

• Just say no – A while back, I was getting stressed out and a bit snappy. My husband and I now make lists of things that need to get done and we put time in a shared Google Docs calendar to do them. We have also made a habit of saying ‘no’ when things cut into our time to get things done and keep peace in our home. For example, a few months ago, I was invited to an after work event with a client. I told one of the senior manager’s that I could not attend and she responded that our Director would be attending. I felt really stressed. I wanted to impress my bosses but knew I had made plans with my husband so I said I couldn’t make it. Guess what happened? Nothing. The Director thought it was a good thing and there were plenty of other events going forward where I got to connect with senior leaders. Over- committing can be like a drug and frankly, there are way too many women hooked on this drug. Maybe it is time for a ‘Just say no’ campaign. When I read the Anne-Marie Slaughter piece, I realized that  this applies to jobs too. We have to say ‘no’ to jobs that we won’t be able to succeed in if they cause problems in our life overall.

• Stop buying gifts – When I got married, my husband and I agreed that we would each buy holiday gifts for our own immediate families. I remembered my mom always trying to pull gifts together for people in my dad’s extended family. It was nice of her to do but could have been skipped or replaced with nice greeting cards. Deep down, it probably made her feel like the ‘perfect wife’. Nowadays, I buy all of my gifts online and have them wrapped when sent. Yes, the measly $3 to $5 is worth it. Last year, my holiday shopping took 20 minutes. We also keep a small assortment of gifts at home (just in case) and buy gifts sometimes a month in advance if we see something we know the person would like. Resources: Man buys present, Amazon

• Hire a cleaner – We broke down and hired a cleaner to come every other week. Why? Neither if us wants to do it and honestly, that time is better spent writing, networking and spending time together as a family. The only  time I recall my mom seemed less stressed out was when we had a cleaner come to help her at home. Women often complain that they feel bad hiring someone to clean up after them when they could do it themself. I could understand if your domestic cleaner is underpaid or being abused, which I hope is not the case (you can read Barbara Ehrenreich’s ‘Nickel and Dimed’ for more on that though). There is nothing wrong with hiring someone for a decent days labor and a fair wage plus benefits.  It’s a lot better than ruining family peace over things like who will iron your clothes and vacuum or yelling at your husband and kids if they aren’t folding your towels correctly.

I also wanted to highlight the fact that this post doesn’t delve into childcare – a major cost and source of tension for families. In my next post, I will discuss some ways that women of various classes can come together and make things better for all of us – men and women – around childcare costs. The reality is that class divisions in feminism have always been a problem but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Why can’t Johnny connect with other kids?

I was at a recent event where a woman with an 18 year old son explained that she always thought that her son was antisocial until he explained that technology was how he connected with friends. I was part of the last wave of kids who were allowed to come home when it was dark and one of the first to apply for college online and chat with my college classmates before I had ever met them face-to-face. This gives me a bit of insight into some of the challenges youth are facing today.

Young people (under 18s) are often looked upon with disdain. We have all read reports about kids who are not connecting with their peers and the rise in obesity but the reality is that society has changed and we’re probably not going back. Why? In my opinion, the media scares parents away from letting kids play outside over fears of kidnapping or abuse. Now, before you get upset, I do think that being afraid of kidnapping is legitimate. I would never want it to happen to me. At the same time, kids who are not allowed outside have to find something to do. This is where things like texting and Facebook come into play. Your parents might not let you walk down the street to play hide and seek with Johnny but they’ll get you an iPad so that you can play video games together or chat about the show you’re watching.

A recent report from Persil small& Mightly found that:

• 50% of British adults played outside every day when they were young – now it is just 23% of kids
• About 10% of under 10s never play outside and 33% stay indoors
• 23% of children will play computer games and watch TV after school
• Their parents were different – 26% rode a bike after school and 23% played a sport

Aside from kidnapping fears is the reality that most parents work and are very tired when they come home, leaving little time to oversee kids playing outside. Professional parents often live in a more urban environment where they might not have a yard and even if they do, it is still no guarantee that their kids could be pried away from the TV.

In order to solve this issue, I think that schools should lengthen the school day until 5:30 with each day starting and ending with an hour and a half of recess. It would help kids learn how to interact with each other and let kids just be kids.

 

(Photo credit: Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

An open letter to Jay-Z

Dear Jay-Z,

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Blue Ivy. She is so cute. In the future, she will have her share of skinned knees, first dates and fun birthday parties. However, there is one thing that you might not be prepared for as a black parent of a child who will likely enter a world that is unlike the one you grew up in and that is why I would like you to reconsider the use of the words “bitch” and “nigger” in your songs. I am guessing that you’ll use some of your $450 million to ensure that Blue attends the best schools possible. As a black woman who grew up to your music, I can tell you that you have some tough times coming your way. What will you say to Blue when she laments the dearth of decent young black men available to take her to the prom? Men who subscribe to the “bitch/nigger” mentality prevalent in some of your songs? What will she think when her face burns with shame as her (probably all white) classmates laugh and shout out the words “nigger” again and again as they chant the lyrics to the latest hip hop song? How can you fight against unclean water in Africa but not do something that could help a lot of people here in the USA – including your daughter?

I recall watching your interview with Oprah and I have to tell you that a lot of your assumptions about what happens in suburban America is wrong. Lots of individuals listen to rap music and idolize rappers but that doesn’t make people less racist – talk to any young black person who has grown up in an upper middle class neighborhood if you don’t believe me. Will you still feel like the word “nigger” doesn’t have power when Blue comes home from prep school asking you what that word means?

Jay-Z – please, if there was ever a chance to change your tune, it’s now. Please Jay-Z, change your tune.

PS – There are reports of Jay-Z coming out and saying that he will make these changes but apparently the information was not true. Let me know if you hear anything!